Tales of College – Origins: Rebirth

I'm glad to see that you are all here and that you're all alive and well. Let us continue from where we stopped last time. We stopped at the changes that happened to the capital city.

No one from the outsiders who saw this gate knew what that meant but it made their skins crawl. But what made them really shiver was seeing the capital's catastrophe survivors, for these remaining survivors….were changed.

They acquired some sort of cryptic knowledge that they referred to as "Engineering". They would hunt for wandering outsiders around the place and grab those poor victims into their changed capital city, the so-called "Faculty" or as people called it later on "College". Later on, these survivors were known as " The KIASP" as an acronym for " Know-It-All-Smart-Pants".

Within that college, the kidnapped victims would be stranded to chairs and forced to learn about this "Engineering" thing. Some would show a natural tendency towards evil and later on become sucked into the college's being and join the kidnappers later on and become one of them. Most of the kidnapped ones however would manage to escape after spending some years there. Apparently the security around them becomes loose in time and they would distract the kidnappers by some sort of thesis discussion and then escape.

However, like the victims of any horrific event, none of them managed to return to his former self again. They would understand stupid scientific jokes. They would dream of going into a place called "Palestine Hall" even once in a life time. They would beg for one more chance to solve something called "the sheet" in a better way.

Whats' that? You say that the KIASP's way of getting people won't work for a long time because people will just avoid the place? Well, aren't you a smart one? You think you're all smart and clever and that you've solved the problem, huh?

Well, the KIASP are smarter than you. They're ever changing. They keep finding new ways of acquiring new victims.

The KIASP's powers are spiritual basically and they KNOW how to use it. Some of their "chosen" victims start having these dreams. Dreams of learning about this "engineering" witchcraft. Dreams of social status and money. Many dreams of sorts in order to plant the desire to "willingly" into their lair "college". For those who are not affected by such dreams, they start haunting their parents by these dreams. The parent would wake up the next day and all he wants in life is to see his son or daughter a "bash-mohandes 2ad el donia".

Some of them evolved enough to make some accounts for themselves on social websites such as "Facepalm" and "صو صو صو" and "My vacuum". All of this in order to slowly influence young people to "willingly" join in the "college". 

If you walk through the corridors and hallways of that college, you'll notice that it's filled with writings of various meanings. Messages in different languages fill the walls. Some filled with some cryptic equations, some filled with unfathomable letter equations. Some messages ,however, look like absolute nonsense and it's believed that the kidnapped outsiders are the ones who write such nonsense. Stuff like "Bobo bey7eb Koky"…………what can you say when you read that?? GOOD FOR THEM!!

Well I fear that our time has run short again. Next time I'll explain to you "The Truth".

Tales of College – Origins: Destruction

Heed my words please, This may be my last chance to say anything to the world.

Let me just clarify one thing, I'm not the kind of man to believe in this stuff I'm about to say…..or at least I wasn't. 5 years ago I would've never believed any word of this but after what I've seen….who knows? We can't really claim that we as humans have the full truth to everything.

People in this place keep asking about fun. Where is it? How does it feel? WHAT is it?

I can't claim to have all the answers but I'll try my best to answer what I can.

Why do I want to answer your questions? I do not want to actually but I fear that this may be my last chance to tell the tale. They say all of those who came close to the truth…..to the sun….. were burned by its rays. How did they perish? No one knows really. One day they were there among their people and the next they were just gone.

Let's get back to your questions.

"Fun" is -from what I understood- some sort of……thing… that when you have, you…. become happy. I know I know, many things were said to cause this feeling other than this "fun" thing but from what I understand "fun" wasn't made up. It was sincere. It wasn't like drugs or anything like that. It was …… different….and…..natural.

How would you find it? There was no specific way apparently. Some people have it most when with other people they love. Some others have it most when they are by themselves. There was no rule. It was available for everyone and it was free.

How was it stripped from us, you ask?

Here's the answer according to my many sources. They've all perished. May GOD bless their souls

In ancient times –as I pointed out earlier- man had the Bliss of fun and as I said it was available for everyone and unlike many things in this world, No man could ever acquire it all to himself. It was a beautiful thing. Mankind led a happy life full of fun. Little did they know, that time was about to end.

The people of ( Al-Saiabba) Kingdom woke up only to get shocked by what they saw. The sky's beautiful blue colour was gone! Instead, the sky was colored in fo7lo2y. The color freaked out the people. No one understood what was going on. The people living in the capital city ran to the palace to seek knowledge and guidance from their king (Boda Shaba) only to be shocked again. The royal family was gone! Only the confused servants remained in the palace. The servants who knew only one thing; that the royal family and astronomers escaped the castle in the middle of the night!

People were lost and didn't know what to do. In the end, they decided that they can't do anything and they decided to stick to the hope that this is a "one-day-only" matter.

The sharp sighted ones among them however noticed something creepy. Up there in the sky, although not really apparent, you can tell that there are some giant rocks floating up in the sky !!! And if you look really hard, you can tell that these are not just some random rocks. They were buildings!

And even with all this, the people yet chose to ignore the matter and went on trying to figure out what to do without a royal family in the kingdom.

No one can really tell what happened during night but we know that one thing happened. The floating buildings in the sky descended from the heaven and crushed whatever was in its way! Building destroyed, people died but in the end the result was this:

A lost capital city that only consisted of the buildings from the sky and whoever survived of the capital's people. The royal flag changed. It became some sort of two birds with broken necks standing around a giant stick. And the words on the capital city gate were changed in to the ominous words; "FACULTY OF ENGINEERING – AIN SHAMS UNIVERSITY".

I fear my time is running out so I'll have to end this story here. If you're interested I'll continue this story but that's for a different time

Epic Story

The Epic Story:

In a distant land, a wandering soul keeps asking itself the same question over and over again.

In a distant land, the wandering soul reaches out for another soul to obtain the answers it seeks.

The wandering soul goes by the name of (Thyfax).

(Thyfax) keeps asking himself the same question;

"When will the Gathering occur?"

(Thyfax) using his might and magic reaches out for the connecting strings of fate; the strings that allow for the calling of other souls.

(Thyfax) finally managed to reach out his childhood friend (Xomshen).

-          "My friend, how fare thee?"

-          "I have seen better days my friend but fear not. For NOTHING; not a cloud or a squall shall halt my progress."

-          "That does not, however, tell me of your state within the comfort zone."

-          "I will not lie to you my friend. It has been painful going through this everyday for the past dozen days."

-          "And I take it that no herbs managed to help you in your fight?"

-          "No. It is amazing to see how impossible it has become for me to do what every other man or woman can do. I can't seem to get rid of the grudges buried within my skin."

-          "No worries my friend. I am sure that these tight times will undo themselves in little time. Patience my friend. Patience."

-          "But surely you are not talking to me just to check on this ever going curse in my body only. Tell me, what leads you to this conversation?"

-          "It is the same question all over again?"

-          "The Gathering?"

-          "Precisely."

-          "I know not why you do not use your web of informants within the sacred grounds but I have learned to accept people's folly. I have the answer you need, my friend. The Gathering occurs tomorrow when the sun is right above our heads."

-          "Has the master asked for any tablets or scrolls?"

-          "Not that I know of."

-          "Very well, will you be there at the Gathering?"

-          "Only if my illness doesn't strike me down"

-          "It won't. You are too much of a stubborn arse to die so easily. I shall keep the hope to see you there."

-          "Fare thee well my friend."

-          "Fare thee well."

The Real Story:

In another street some guy is asking himself about the lecture's time over and over again.

He uses his hands to reach out for the phone to call his friend and ask him.

-          "Hi, how are you"

-          "I've been better."

-          "So how is your bathroom problem?"

-          "Been hurting for 12 days now."

-          "Medicines not working?"

-          "No, I can't seem to… (This part won't be explained because some girls may be reading this)."

-          "I'm sure you'll be better."

-          "So why did you really call?"

-          "why do you think?"

-          "Lecture time?"

-          "yeah"

-          "Dude! Use the internet. Sometimes you're so stupid. Anyway, it's 12 noon tomorrow"

-          "Any assignments or texts I should bring?"

-          "No."

-          "Will you come?"

-          "Only if I can."

-          "Don't worry. You're a (censored) (censored) I'm sure you'll be able to make it."

-          "yeah well bye"

-          "Bye"

The Point:

Just because you write a text that is large and confusing, doesn't mean you're writing some poetry or something EPIC.  Most of the times, "simple" is the best. I hope all the "epic" writers realize that someday. STOP PRETENDING.

So how am I different from the ones I'm complaining about?

I'm not that different  ;)

Twilight for Dummies V2.0

You've been asking for it and here it is (all new and improved):

*Character Description*

Let's have them talk about themselves, shall we? 

Bella: "I'm a sensitive tortured human being who only wants to be loved by the vampire of my dreams but since he broke up with me I get dreams in which I'm lost -as always- and so I scream like I'm giving birth and I almost tear the blanket although it's just a dream.

Did I mention that when the -for-some-reason-girls-think-he-is-hot- vampire broke up with me I stayed for 3 months sitting on the same chair without rotting? BTW when they managed to remove the glue that attached me to the chair for 3 months, I became a werewolf's girlfriend and then I instantly dumped him when I knew that the vampire needed me or he will suicide. Seriously, I dumped him without second thought.

Did I mention I REALLY have a stupid look no matter what the situation is? Oh, and I'm the only face you will see for the whole playing time of "New Moon" (130 minutes..have fun with that). Any of the others can only get 10 seconds screen time or less. Later on during the NO-events of "Eclipse", I knew the answer to all my questions; I love both the vampire and werewolf but the vampire is cooler so I'm keeping him"

Author's side note: I'm glad these movies don't have zombies or this will get very gross since she seems to be collecting lovers….you know….the "Gotta Catch'em all" rule of life…..

Edward: "I'm...Edward. I'm...a..vampire. I'm....so...in..love...with...Bella..for some..reason. i'm...not...disabled....I just...talk like...this...because...I'm in...Love with..Bella. Truth is..I don't love...bella as much as I....wanna drink...her...blood.I mean...COME ON...who would love...someone who...smells...like her?...I remember...when I first...smelled her in science class...I wanted to throw up so bad...it hurted.Actually if you...concentrate enough you'll see....that she is the one...who wants to stay...with me. She's even....willing to change...into a vampire... to stay with...me....forever. I can't...blame her though..I mean...What are...the chances that....she'll score another...guy who looks...like me. BTW... Bella's love made me...extremely weak...when you...watch New Moon...you'll see that...every vampire near...the end (of the movie/your life)...was able to kick my sorry....a..nkle. In "Eclipse" I do something...useful…as I am the….one who….kills Victoria"

Author's side note: Edward YELLED in the "Eclipse" movie which is something worthy of the title "Most Awesome Event in 2010".

Jacob: "The only reason why I'm in this whole thing is to be Edward's competition which you can all see didn't work out very well....sniff...I can't believe Bella dumped me like this....sniff... I mean she didn't think for a single second before dumping me. It was clear from the beginning that I was put in the movie to be hated by Edward's fan girls. I appear on the screen and they are like "EEWWWW" when he appears they are like "WOOHOOO". Well anyway you'll have to excuse me for now. The alpha of my herd is calling".

Author's side note: This guy is ALIVE. He deserves someone better than Bella. He seems to have some little bit of character which is too much to say about other characters.

Charlie: "I'm very important in the series. I'm the proof that Bella wasn't born in a demonic way and that she has parents. The only role I play is a stupid-conversations' starter with Bella. This is because the viewers may be bored of seeing Bella and Edward all the time. Of course, I'm talking about the male viewers because the female viewers never get bored of Edward. So, when any male is bored he can stop watching Edward and Bella and instead watch my mustache. It's AWESOME. I also have an important role in the events. I took part in......never mind i don't have any role in anything".

Author's side note: I love this man's mustache…..in a totally straight way….I'm just sayin'…

The Cullens: "We're the SINGLE DAMN SLIGHTLY interesting thing in the toilet series. We promise the viewers a good story that never comes and great action that never occurs. Basically, we're there to give the viewer a false hope".

Bella's Friends: "...yes we're her friends....yes we're THAT desperate and hopeless of getting a life".

Author's side note: Bella has friends. That's the only point of giving them screen time (20 seconds).

*TWILIGHT SUMMARY*

1) Bella met a vampire called Edward.

2) Despite his deep urge to vomit, Edward has managed to love Bella.

3) A bad vampire wants to bite Bella.

4) Bad vampire is dead.BTW his name is James.

5) Bella is fine and so is Edward but James' girlfriend wants revenge.

This took 122 minutes of your life in cinema.

*NEW MOON SUMMARY*

1) Bella is afraid she is getting old and she wants to become a vampire.

2) Edward broke up with Bella because he loves her so much!!!!

3) Bella got stuck in a chair for 3 months and she is having nightmares.

4) Bella became an adrenaline junkie (Adrenaline causes her to see Edwrad... Girls are you taking notes?)

5) Bella chose Jacob (a werewolf) as her rebound guy.

6) James' girlfriend appeared to remind you she's supposed to be there.

7) Edward thinks Bella is dead and is planning to kill himself.

8) Bella -INSTANTLY- dumps Jacob and rushes to save Edward.

9) Edward is saved and they're back together and he proposes to her.

THIS took 130 minutes of your life in cinema.

*ECLIPSE SUMMARY*

1) Bella is still with Edward loving the hell out of each other (who would've guessed that?).

2) Bella wants to turn into a vampire before she marries Edward. Edward isn't really in love with the idea.

3) Jacob still loves Bella (that kid never learns).

4) Bella loves both Edward and Jacob at the same time (I call for a ……..never mind).

5) Bella chose Edward and in the last minute of the DAMN movie she makes it clear that she'll marry him and she puts on the ring he gave her.

Side Note: Bella's friends appeared on the movie.

That's all for the summary and……OH Wait…..you guys may be interested in the ACTION part of the movie because you can never get bored with toilet's action (OK that came out JUST WRONG LOL).

1) Good old Victoria (James's girlfriend) is still running around in the forest (Apparently it's the only sport that can be practiced there……other than Baseball in storms).

2) Apparently her super secret plan to destroy the world is to prepare an army of new vampires……Oh WAIT… The army is not a part of her plan to destroy the world. It's a part of her plan to KILL BELLA!!!!!

3) The army is defeated by the amazing cooperation between vamps and wolves.

4) Jacob got out of it with some nasty broken bones but of course he's fine as long as Bella is (AAAHHH Soooo Cuuuute)

5) Victoria is dead (FINALLY WE NO LONGER NEED TO WATCH HER RUNNING THROUGH THE FOREST AGAIN. IT'S AS IF SHE'S BEEN DOING IT FOR THE LAST 2 PARTS…oh....wait…..).

6) OH YEAH I forgot. The volt-something-something are in the movie. You know, this vampire order that lives in some other country with their ultimate objectives and rules and law and order (no pun intended)

This movie "Eclipse" took 115 minutes of your life. Which is an improvement because this pattern in lengths may mean that the next one will be 100 minutes or something (WOOHOOO).

*Rules of Toilet…..(STOP SMILING you know what I mean)*

1- Werewolf = Shirtless

2- You can tell that someone loves someone else if he's whispering all the time while he's talking to him.

3- Bella is attractive (according to the story characters of course. Personally I think onions are way more attractive).

4- Charlie (Bella's father) has absolutely no control over her.

5- Charlie can't have "the talk" with Bella.

6- Bella is funny. (I concluded that after observing some characters in the movie smile or laugh after she says something).

7- Victoria never heard of Sniper Rifles (you know these things that kill from afar without having everyone "smell" your presence!?).

8- Jacob doesn't get the hint (She will NOT be with you for GOD's sake man!!!)

9- Edward is "old school" as he put it. (Watch the movie to understand. I'm not going to explain that).

10- If Jacob is ever mad at you and leaving, and you want him to come back, ask him to kiss you (wait WHAT?!)

11- Don't punch Jacob in the face. You'll only break your hand doing that.

12- Edward can yell and he WILL if you kiss Bella (Be afraid…be VERY afraid).

13- Carlisle is more human than humans themselves (most compassionate vampire I've ever seen).

14- Rosalie doesn't hate Bella. (To be honest I didn't see that coming. Throughout the movies it seemed that she's one step away from throwing acid on Bella's face).

15- Love causes stupidity (every single person in love in this movie is stupid…..except Alice and Jasper…they're fine).

Interesting thing this Toilet series but you know what I'll probably watch the rest of its parts because it never ceases to amaze me. It teaches me that things will always get worse.

غير هواش مايلزمناش

الدعاية الانتخابية للمرشح: محمد هواش
دائرة: الفيستوك - مستغل

هو تنين طالما طار فى سماء الديمقراطية و الشفافية ينفث لهب العدل و المساواة
.
هو نسر ينقض من أعلى على الفساد و الرشوة و المحسوبية
.
هو رجل صدق وعده و حارب أعداء الوطن طوال عمره عاملا فى سبيل رفعة هذا البلد الكريم ذو الماضى العريق.
و نستدل على صفاته الحميدة من مواقفه المشرفة. نذكر منها على سبيل المثال و ليس الحصر
:
الحزم: حيث طلب منه صديق عمره إستعارة 5 جنيه منه فقال "لا" واضحة و صريحة و لم يبالى
.
الصدق: حين سألته أخته فى مرة عن رأيه فى فستانها قال "زفت " بمنتهى الصراحة
.
الاجتهاد: عندما فوجىء بإن إمتحان نهاية العام سيقام باكرا و هو لم يذاكر بعد ظل ساهرا طوال الليل يعد البرشام
.
الوطنية: فقد حرص دائما على عدم شرب أى نوع من الخمور و عدم تعاطى أى نوع من المخدرات إلا المصنوع و الملفوف بأيدى مصرية
.
التخطيط: لا يمر يوم عليه من دون أن يخطط و يعد و يجهز خطة لربط حذائه
.
 الرأفة: حيث رأى فى جولة من جولاته التفقدية فى مارينا قطة تموء من شدة الجوع فقرر أن يريحها من الامها بإلقاءها فى البحر.

و كل ما سبق هو قليل من كثير لديه فهو نهر من الحنان و العطاء و الحب لوطنه، و هو أسد على أعداء البلاد. لذلك يا أبناء الدائرة الكريمة لنقف معا صفا واحدا و لنذهب كلنا لننتخب من سينتشلنا من غياهب الظلم الى نور و شفافية الديمقراطية.
محمد هواش: رمز التنين الصينى الأخضر الرفيع ده

قصة خيال علمى فحت

ملحوظة: أى تشابه بين هذه القصة و بين الواقع فهو من باب المصيبة السودا

ملخص ما سبق:
فى محاولة أخيرة من أبو الدنيا السابق لإقناع البلاد الأجنبية العلمانية الملحدة بعدل و ظرف و لطف حكمه قرر أبو الدنيا السابق إثبات خفة دم حكمه بإنجازات تبدو رائعة. كان هذا مهما خاصة بعد فشل المجارى و البنية التحتية فى إثبات نظافة حكمه. و من أجل تحقيق هدفه قرر تحسين المرور من خلال وضع إشارات مرور فى كل شارع مستوردة من خلال إحدى شركات أحد أصدقاء ابنه. كما أعطى لشرطة المرور صلاحيات خرافية و جعلها تابعة لجهاز (سلامة الدولة مالها؟) أو للإختصار (سام) ثم أنشأ قسم للعمليات الخاصة المتعلقة بالمرور اسمه (سامبل) و هو إختصار ل (سلامة الدولة مالها؟ بتشتكى ليه؟).

أبطال قصتنا هم مجموعة من تعساء الحظ الذين وقعوا فى إشارة –يا للمفاجأة – معطلة على الضوء الأحمر. و نظرا لخطورة هذا الحدث و أبعاده الأمنية القوية فقد تم حصار الشارع بقوات من (سامبل) و ذلك لمنع أحد من تخطى الاشارة المعطلة !! و كلما تطوع أحد لإصلاحها يتم رفض طلبه لأن " الإشارة سليمة و زى الفل انتم اللى مش عايزين تبقوا ملتزمين بالقانون". مر الزمن و توفى أبو الدنيا السابق -لكنه عايش فى قلوبنا- و بعد استعمال ونش لفصل الجثة عن كرسى الحكم تولى ابن أبو الدنيا الحكم ليصير أبا جديدا للدنيا.
و كانت هذه نهاية بداية البلاوى

تم حصار شارع الاشارة المعطلة حصارا كاملا. كل اتصال مع العالم الخارجى تم قطعه سواء شبكات اتصالات المحمول أو الانترنت. مع حلول الساعة السابعة يتم قطع جميع الأنوار و قطع الكهرباء و فرض حظر التجول. و كلما سئلت الصحف و الحكومات الاجنبية و منظمات حقوق الانسان عن سبب رد الفعل العنيف هذا و لماذا لا يعترف أبو الدنيا بأن الاشارة معطلة، كان يرد بأن هولاء المحاصرين ليسوا مواطنين عاديين و إنما هم أعضاء فى تنظيم ( الأصحاب المتدينين) و حركة (بس بقى) مما بالتالى ألجم كل الألسنة
.
أبطال قصتنا الان محاصرون فى الإشارة منذ فترة أطول مما يتذكرون. كل شىء تغير فى ذلك الشارع. السيارات أصبحت هى المنازل بالنسبة لمالكيها. الشاب الذى يريد الزواج لابد أن يكون على الأقل معاه شنطة عربية إيجار جديد. هذا بالطبع ما لم يكن حماه من نوع "أنا بنتى ماتدخلش فى أقل من مرزيدز". صار نظام المقايضة هو النظام السائد للمعاملات التجارية. بالنسبة للاحتياجات البيولوجية من طعام و شراب و "إإح" أصبح الجميع يستعملون الموجود فى المحلات و فى المبانى
.
و لكن ظهر رجل واحد يستطيع تغيير كل شىء...... محمد حنفى
.
(محمد حنفى) شاب لا يشق له الغبار أو السحاب الاسود. منذ نعومة أظافره و هو يجيد الجمباز، كرة السلة، بلى مسافات طويلة و قصيرة، و فنون الكونج فو الرهيبة حتى اقب بين أقرانه بلقب " بتاع الكاراتيه". كما انه متفوق دراسيا فى كل المواد و استطاع فى سن الثالثة تسميع جداول الضرب كلها و أبجدية المدرسة و أبجدية عالم سمسم الشهيرة. كما أنه يستطيع التحدث بعشر لغات حية و اثنتان ميتتان و واحدة فى حالة خطرة. هو أيضا عبقرى قادر على تصنيع مسدس ليزر من عود كبريت و علبة زبادى بالفاكهة مع شرائح البصل
.
يتمتع (محمد حنفى) بسرعة بديهة عالية تسمح له باصطياد أى حشرة أو فأر أو سمكة أو عصفورة مما ألهب مشاعر القطط و الكلاب ضده و ملأهم بالغيرة. و لم ينس "بتاع الكاراتيه" المهارات الاجتماعية اللازمة للحياة من طبخ و باليه و أوبرا و تانجو و صلصة –أجل صلصة- و رقص انكسارى و مسح و غسيل و تلميع أكر و شقلبات هوائية ثلاثية الابعاد و التنكر فى شكل أى شخص و أى شىء
.
كما أن اكبر مميزاته أنه بخيل لدرجة إنه مادفعش و لا مليم لى فى مقابل الشعر اللى أنا كاتبه فيه ده
.
و لكن مهمة هذا الرجل لن تكون سهلة فقد تم إسناد مهمة التصدى له للعقيد (باسل حازم ماجد) و المشهور بلقب (فاعل).
فهل سيتغلب بتاع الكاراتيه على فاعل؟ هذا ما قد لا نعرفه أبدا...

ملحوظة: أى خدمة يا حنفى  ;) 

رسالة الى ماكينة المكبس

كم مضى من الوقت منذ آخر مرة تحدثنا فيها معا؟ أربعة أيام فقط؟ إذن لماذاشعرت بأنها أربعة سنين؟ سمِه الشوق. سمِه التعود. أعطيه اى اسم. انت تعرفين وصف مابيننا أفضل منِى

أستطيع تخيلك الان تقفين فى نفسالمكان الذى تحبينه و أنت تتحدثين فى شتى الامور و الكل يرمقك بنفس النظرات التى لابد انك إعتدتها. النظرات التى عندما افكر فى معناها الان اتمنى لو اننى كنت من البداية أدركت ما تعنى بالفعل

لازلت أسمع صوتك جيدا يرن فى أذنى و كأننى لم أفارقك لثانية. أظن أن هذاينطبق على الاخرين أيضا. لا يمكن لمن يسمعك تتحدثين مرة أن ينسى صوتك البشع. لكن الامر مختلف بيننا. علاقتنا أنا و أنت اقوى مما بينك و بين اى شخص أخر. تعرفين عنى أكثر مما يعرفون. رأيتنى فى مختلف المواقف. رأيتنى فى فرحى و حزنى، فى شجاعتى وجبنى

من المؤسف اننى حتى اليوم لا استطيع فهم كل ما تقولين. يكفينى شرف المحاولة. انا أفضل من الاخرين الذين ما أن يسمعونك حتى يسرعون لتغطية اذانهم هربامن صوت ال (تووووووووووت) الذى تصدرينه. إياك أن تنخدعى بابتساماتهم. هى ليست بسبب الاعجاب. هم فقط يتخيلون ما سيحدث لمديرينهم و زوجاتهم لو وضعوا بين لوحى الكبس بك. نصحنى الأطباء بالابتعاد عنك لكى تعود القدرة على السماع لأذناى ثانية و لكن هيهات. إن تدبيستى فى التعامل معك أسطورية و يبدو اننى سأتعامل معك حتى اللحظةالاخيرة

حقا إنك لمدعية جيدة و كاذبة بارعة. إن من يرى الطريقة التى تحتضنين بهاقالب العينات يظنك أما حنون و لا يعرف ان وراء الامور أمورا. بمناسبة العينات، كيف حالها؟ هل لا تزال سليمة أم أنك شرختيها كعادتك المهببة؟

هل تذكرين أول مرة وضعت بك بعض العينات؟ طلبت منك تسخينها حتى 220 درجة.كنت اريد الانتهاء من هذا العمل فى أسرع وقت. لكنك بدلالك و تناحة أهلك استغرقت ساعة و ربع كاملة فى إنهاء هذه المهمة. ظننت بغبائى أننى رأيت اسوأ ما لديك ولكننى كنت أحمقا أحمقا أحمقا. دخلنا فى مرحلة التبريد لافاجأ بك تستغرقين ساعتان فى عمل هذا. ساعتان يا بنت المفترية؟! لماذا؟ أكان (الشفق) يعرض فى هذا الوقت؟
!
لابد أن انهى الرسالة الان لأن ماكينة اخرى تنادينى. نعم. ما قراته صحيح.أنا الان أعرف ماكينة أخرى. و هى ليست بنصف إزعاجك. كما انه هناك حاسب آلى يجلس بجانبها يمكننى من خلاله سماع الاغانى. هذه هى رسالتى الاخيرة لك. و إنه من المؤسف فعلا أن تأخذ نهاية علاقتنا هذا الشكل و لكنك اخترتى هذا. ربنا ينتقم منك يا شيخة

مع القرف،
الحمار الواقف أمامك كل يوم

Your Letter

Well people, This is basically a letter I wrote to “someone special”. Read b4 saying “aiwa ya 3am.Mashya m3ak almania”

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Should I write this? Will these words reach you? I guess they will. No, I’m SURE they will but I doubt that they will reach you by the same method they reach the others. You won’t receive it by mail or post. You won’t read it on a facebook wall or in a newspaper. No, you’re much better and much greater than to need these stupid methods or their likes to know about me. Let the others use the former method for that’s all they can do. You and I are connected in a much better and honest way.

I guess we don’t introductions. You know me pretty well. And I know about you the only little bits I can understand. I heard about you a long time ago. I was told so often about you since I was young. I knew about you throughout my life. I knew that you were there in every step in my way to this moment. It was logical, really. It only made sense that you were there. Nothing would have been right in my life if you weren’t there.

I thought of you when I was looking at the stars three days ago. I knew that these stars are too far away. Far enough for us to be seeing their lights now when they’ve actually exploded millions of years ago. You are supposed to be even further away and yet –in a way I’m unable to understand- you’re still closer to me than anyone or anything else.When I was watching these stars I thought “How would the earth look like from there?” and the answer came to me immediately “you won’t see the earth in the first place. It’ll be so far away and tiny for you to see”. This got me thinking “If I can walk in a garden and crush a bunch of ants without even noticing because they’re too small, how would it look like from your place? Aren’t we much smaller from your place?”

Then I realized my mistake. I was applying my terms and standards on you! As if my evil thinking had anything to do with you! You’re not like me or like anyone I know/will know. You’ve much more wisdom and mercy and power to be thought of in my way. I’m so tiny and insignificant to you but you care for me. I guess this is just like you; you have enough mercy to care for the likes of me. By my terms, I’d crush someone like me. But your terms say otherwise. You’d forgive me, care for me and help me even when I’m not giving you back anything.

The strange thing is that you’re always trying to talk to me and other people but we just wouldn’t listen. We’d go for anything but your messages. You sent me hundreds of messages and not a single time I prove myself to be man enough to accept this message. I guess it’s a human nature to forget. I get the message and a couple of days after that I forget it again. And the cycle goes on, you send the message and we look away. And yet you are still patient with all of us.

. To be honest, I have nothing worthy enough to give to you. And you know that, and still you are with me. I don’t understand you but I’m thankful to having you there. As a matter of fact, I’m thankful for the knowledge that you’re there. I guess my world would have been a much darker place if I didn’t know about you. There would be no hope for me that things will get better. No hope for me that everyone will get what he deserves.Speaking of that, I know pretty well that I don’t deserve much and probably I deserve nothing from all the things I have but could you please keep forgiving me? I promise you that I’ll do my best to make you look at me with pride and love. So please stay with me and keep forgiving me.

Love,

Just another one of them

West el Danger

So here I am sitting now in Germany and I ask myself: “What the hell is this crap they’ve been feeding us in our countries?” The “food” I’m talking about is the mind food not the real food (though the same can be said about that too!).

Many of the people who think they have the exclusive copyrights to truth have been bothering me throughout my whole life with their never ending nonsense such as: “Western countries are dangerous to Arabs and Muslims”, “They hate us”, “Their only wish is to destroy us”, and “They’re nothing but infidels who will burn eternally in Hell fire”. Well if you think that this is the truth I think that this is PARANOIA and a lame excuse for our own terrible state.

But first let me make one thing very clear. I’m not talking about governments. I’m talking about people. I could never pretend to understand foreign governments. HELL! I don’t even understand my country’s immortal government so how will I understand foreign mortal ones! Now let’s discuss the upper quotes.
“Western countries are dangerous to Arabs and Muslims”. Well guess what? The feelings are mutual! Each side believes that the other side consists of nothing but wolves while his side is full of innocent playful sheep. On my visit to Air-Bus (yes I visited Air-Bus factory, losers ;) they asked for some additional information from me and the rest of the Egyptians before letting us in. Why? Because they think that we may be dangerous not because they have nothing better to do! This is due to the negative propaganda spreading in these countries about Arabs and Muslims. The propaganda spreads by the action of our haters and we’re doing a pretty good job in supporting it by our actions and reactions.

“They hate us”. To hate someone you have to know him first. No one can hate a shadow or a void. And from what I saw, we’re pretty much anonymous there. It’s either people who really know what we’re all about (and these are very few). Or people who’ve never heard of us or people who THINK they know us (false propaganda victims).

“Their only wish is to destroy us”. This is one of my favourites because it’s not just silly but it’s also extremely funny. Imagine the European man waking up, brushing his teeth, and eating his breakfast while thinking of nothing but possible new ways to destroy us. He is then driving his car while listening to a radio show that discusses the subject of “Why are Arab and Muslims alive until today?” At his office, he works so hard because he knows deep inside his heart that his work will contribute to the ultimate purpose of eliminating us. By the end of the day, he sits with his family watching a comedy sci-fi movie that talks about how Arabs and Muslims in 2300A.D by overgrowing mutant beards! Trust me guys, we’re NOT that important to them.

“They’re nothing but infidels who will burn eternally in Hell fire”. Well first of all I don’t really think we can claim that we’re a bunch of angels. Second of all, I highly doubt that you know who’s going to heaven and who’s going to hell. These are things that only ALLAh determines and so it’s no use really thinking about it. In other words, stick with your OWN sins because they’re probably very enough to throw you into Hell.

So what do I want to say after all the former nagging? Maybe it’s about time we presented ourselves in a better way. The way I see it, our whole problem with these people is the complete lack of communication between us. They don’t know us and we don’t know them. After talking to some people throughout my recent trip to Hamburg, I saw that they’re very normal people living their normal lives according to their standards and traditions. It’s true that I don’t agree to everything they do but that doesn’t make them bad people. It only makes them different people who need guidance from ALLAH as much as we need it. So basically, if you’re ever in a situation when there are foreigners around you, don’t alienate them and don’t be an alien among them. Retaining your identity and your religion doesn’t mean never dealing with different people. IMHO, it only means that you HAVE to deal with other people to introduce your identity and religion to them.

Enough of my babbling, enjoy your vacation (sarcasm; engineering students don’t get vacations)

Education Rulez

You know what guys? It's all about education.

Every respectful leader in this whole world knew that the only way to rise up with their people is education. Why? Glad you asked. There's no way in Hell that you're going to build a great civilization with a bunch of corrupted minds who don't know what's important and what's not. BTW Eclipse will be in cinemas on 29 or 30 June in case you give a damn. I give a damn because I'm planning to slay it.

Imagine that one day Egypt had the tallest skyscrapers in the whole world. Don't be foolish. We're not the ones who will build it of course. Some other country will. Of course for nothing but merely more power over our lives. Cheap price for such great thing, huh? We'll not just have ancient pyramids but ALSO very tall modern buildings. WOOHOOO party in my house everyone!

Now imagine that the current Egyptian worker is the one who will take care of this skyscraper what would happen to it in your opinion?

It'll probably be destroyed because of some logical explanation such as "Godzilla and King Kong having a fight over who can marry Queen Elizabeth" or something like that. Of course all the newspapers will talk about "Our hardest efforts in finding a way to convince her to marry them both" and so on since this is Egypt's role in pretty much EVERYTHING. Not to mention that it'll be "mainly" because of "Fate" and it had nothing to do with anyone's will. You know what? I believe in Fate and I also believe that it was decided in Fate that some idiot will decide to prove his idiocy and lead to this building's fall.

I swear to Allah that we have absolutely no hope with the current present mentalities. This isn't about a certain situation but it's a series of things that I witnessed. Some were directly related to me and some were not. Check out the amazing Egyptian way of thinking:

This (x) tradition is wrong but it's a tradition and it's ALSO very clear to any blind person that religion-wise this is absolutely forbidden. So how can we solve the very hard dilemma? It's Simple. We find a way to make this tradition allowed religion-wise. But how do we do that? We use another tradition (y) that we're not 100% sure that it's forbidden (only 85% or something) to support our case.

And so if anyone dares to talk to us we'll say "How do you know that it's forbidden? Don't you see that it goes well with tradition (y)?"
So you'll say: "Well tradition (y) itself doesn't make sense."
So we'll answer by saying: "But you don't KNOW that it's forbidden. Do you?"
Naturally, you'll answer: "I'm not 100% sure but…."
And so our final answer comes: "Aha, see? You're not sure yourself."

And so you'll find yourself cornered trying to explain what you're saying until you give up in the end and decide that you should either write this article or shoot yourself in the head. Sadly, you may find that some of these situations can be applied to some people you respect and love.

Don't get me wrong I'm not saying that I'm perfect myself. As a matter of fact, I pretty much SUCK and everyone knows it. The real sad thing about all of this is that no one is a criminal and no one is a victim. Everyone's both at the same time. You find yourself as a victim in these circumstances and in the end you turn out to become a criminal yourself and you end up ruining someone else's life or mind (for me both are the same; mind=life).

So what's the point of this whole article? I don't know. For me, I let off some steam and give my humble opinion about an existing problem in our society. For you, I guess it's something like:

1- Take care of your minds kids.
2- Don't anger Hawash.
3- Make sure to drink your milk or else you'll turn out to become like Hawash and you'll bother people by articles they don't want to read.

That sums up everything I guess ;)

A Very Honest SPAM Mail

Dear Sir/Madam

I'm well aware that this mail may come as a shock to you and it may even seem unrealistic, but I'm begging you to –please- give it some serious consideration so as to save me from my predicament.
First of all let me introduce myself. I am Mohamed Hawash. I'm still an undergraduate who studies engineering. This is exactly my problem. For you see, I study engineering in Ain Shams University! That's right; I study at ASU also known as The 3 letters of Doom.

However, this is not the problem I'm talking about. After all, I'm a grown man and just as I got myself into this hell I'm planning to get myself out of it.

My current problem started by the end of the semester when my exams started. Our first subject was (Computational for Dummies) and I proved myself less than a dummy in the exam. You see the guys who came from another country had this crazy idea that we understand them while in fact we were asking ourselves "Can they handle Egyptian food?"

The second subject was (Analyzing failure). In this exam I found out that I got it all backwards. You see, "Analyzing Failure" didn't mean that you analyze the failure. It meant that this is AN analyzing failure! So I'm assuming that this failure is very smart for being able to analyze us and reverse the situation.

The third subject was (Rotting for Engineers). In this subject we studied that everything rots, which kinda makes you wonder: "Did I need 13 lectures and 5 sheets to know that?" But anyway we already had our exam and we proved that we may actually need more than 13 lectures and 5 sheets to know that everything rots.

My next exam will be in the: (Mixing Stuff to get New Stuff) subject. And I can already see the professor not appreciating my brilliant ideas on my new mixtures of stuff to get unheard of other stuff that will make a breakthrough in some other stuff applications.

Later after the latter exam, I'll have to make a report and a presentation for the last subject: (Summer Training Messed-up-Lookalike Failed Trial). This is the part where I need your help. You see I require much fund to buy all the necessary materials for my experiments in (Summer Training Messed-up-Lookalike Failed Trial). Don't worry, I'm not asking you for money. As a matter of fact, I'm offering you money. You see after the last exams I sat down on my chair to write the report when I discovered I had no scientific material and the only way to get them is through ScienceDirect which requires a valid credit card. However my ninja enemies won't let me near the bank. So I have two proposals and you may choose the one that suits you best:

First proposal:

You send me all your personal information along with your credit card number and all its required information and I'll use it to get an account on ScienceDirect. This way once all the ninjas are gone, I can repay you triple the amount of money I'll use for purchasing the account.

Second Proposal:

You meet me and we go together to the abandoned warehouse in the Gangsters st. and there we will meet a samurai I know that can get rid of the ninjas for me. However, sine I'll need to pay him in advance please bring all the cash you can get with you and also –if I'm not asking for too much- bring any valuable possessions you may have with you just in case we need them. Of course, once he gets rid of the ninjas I'll pay you double the amount of valuables + cash you brought with you.
If any of these proposals is acceptable by you then kindly get to me immediately via my email: foolthefools@spam.bla

Please furnish me with your most confidential telephone, fax numbers so that i can use this information to contact you

Thank you in advance for your anticipated cooperation.
Yours faithfully,
Someday will be Eng. Mohamed Hawash

الرسائل الامبراطورية للدولة الوليدية

سيداتى و سادتى، احب فى البداية أن أذكركم بقول الشاعر :

تقلبات الليل و النهار تنسى اذكرا لى الصبا و أيام مرسى
وصفا لى ملاية من شباب صورت من تصورات و هلس

ثم اما بعد أيها السادة الكرام، فإن الزمن يدور و أرى نفسى جالسا هنا أمام تلك الشاشة و اكتب على هذه اللوحة للمفاتيح لأبنائى و بناتى، أصحابى و صاحباتى، حبايبى الحلوين المقطقطين ، من طلبة نشاط (تحفيز:هيا نعجل) بعدما كنت فى البداية شخصا لا علاقة له بالنشاط اللهم الا رؤية أصدقائه يعذبون بحضور اجتماعات غريبة
فى أوقات أغرب و أغرب.

ثم أتى هذا اليوم حيث كنت فى البريك واقفا و رأيتهم قادمين فى الافق. فى البدأ ظننتهما وهما أو خيالا حتى تبين لى أن هاتان بالفعل هما هبة الله و بسمات. و هنا سألت نفسى سؤالا: "ما الذى تريدانه هاتان الفتاتان بحق الجحيم؟" و لكننى داريت فضولى تحت سؤالى العبقرى "ايه يا عيال عاملين ايه؟".

و هو سؤال عبقرى حقا جدير بأن يجعل المرء القادم ينسى طلبه و يتسائل فى رأسه "عيال مين يا روح تانت؟" و لكن الخبيثتان كانتا مستعدتان لسؤالى و فوجئت بأنها كانت حركة كماشة محكمة منهما حيث لم يتركا لى فرصة للتفكير المتأنى فيما تقولان و إذ بى فجأة عضوا فى لجنة التطوير الذاتى بنشاط (تحفيز:هيا نعجل). و للحق أقول، فأنا لم أفهم حتى اليوم لما هذا الاسم و لكن يبدو أن هذا من مقدسات النشاط و بالتالى لا رجعة فيه.


إن الكلمات تعجز عن وصف المشاعر الجياشة و العواطف الحارة التى أصابتنى بعد التحاقى بالنشاط ؛ من صداع مزمن و توتر دائم و رصيد فودافون منتهى و غموض عجيب و جهل مطبق ثم اخيرا بعض الابتسام ثم بعض الفرح ثم الكثير من الفرح ثم انضمام فريق (كبير) لفريق( تحفيز) فى إطار خطط الدفاع المشتركة ثم أخيرا رؤية أثر هذا العمل المضنى فى النهاية فى خلال الثلاث أيام إياهم من أوبننج و كونفيرنس و كلوزينج و إننى أستعمل اسمائهم الافرنجية لأنه فيما يبدو لا يوجد كلمات عربية مقابلة لهذه الكلمات و لذلك لا يستعمل أحد غيرها (سخرية).

ما أود أن أقوله هو أننى سعيد بالاشتراك فى هذا النشاط و لو كان تحفيز مكونا من عشرة رجال لكنت واحدا منهم و لو كان مكونا من خمسة لكنت واحدا منهم و لو كان تحفيز رجلا واحدا فأنا هذا الرجل و لو كان امرأة لنظرت اليها فإن كانت قبيحة آخيتها و إن كانت جميلة لتزوجتها و إن كنت أرى أنها قد لا ترضى بى و لكن قشطة سأحاول. و لو كان تحفيز كلبا لالقيت له عظمة و لو كان قطة لالقيت لها سمكة و لو كان نباتا لسقيته و لو كان حيوانا أليفا لربيته و لو كان حيوانا مفترسا لجريت منه بقلب ملىء بالحب.

و لا يسعنى هنا بسبب تأثرى بالصحف القومية المصرية الا أن أنافق رئيس النشاط "أحمد وليد فؤاد عامر" و أقول فى هذا الصدد: إن جميع انجازات تحفيز فى هذا العصر إنما تعود الى قيادة و حكمة و عظمة و أبهة توجيهات سيادة الرئيس "أحمد وليد عامر" قائد الطلعة البهية الاولى و رجل الضرب بالحزام و بانى نهضة تحفيز الحديثة حيث عشنا معه أزهى عصور الديمقراطية و الترانسبيرانسى. و الحق يقال فإن سيادة الرئيس "أحمد وليد عامر" لا يدخر جهدا فى سبيل أرساء البنية التحتية للنشاط من مقابلات عامة و ايميلات و دعاء لأعضاء النشاط بالتوفيق، كما أنه يعمل باستمرار على إعداد كوادر جديدة شابة تصلح لملاقاة تحديات المستقبل. و لذلك أقول نعم لأحمد وليد و ابنه و بنت ابنه ذلك لثقتى المطلقة فى أنهم سيكونون خير قادة لتحفيز الى مافيه صالحه

و تفصيل الحديث عن (تحفيز: هيا نعجل) يأتى فى لقاءات أخرى بإذن الله
  ;)

The (Un-Aired/Unrecorded/Anonymous) Episode

So I'm sitting there bored to death and suddenly I remember that there's an episode on my computer of "esma3ny shokran" that was never recorded and thus will never be aired. So I decided to put it here because I love you guys and honestly I need some feedback about the episode because -personally- I DON'T like it. So here you go and give me some feedback please. Feedback like: clear purpose or not? funny or not? stuff like that.
BTW: I wrote it right in 1/1/2010

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من المثير للاهتمام ان فى احتفالات رأس السنة الميلادية لقينا ناس جايبين عرافين علشان يتنبؤا لهم باللى هيحصل لهم فى السنة الجديدة. أنا بصراحة افتكرتها نكتة و طنشت لكن الكارثة اللى حصلت انى لقيت بعض الناس المتعلمين المثقفين اللى قاعدين بيتفرجوا متابعين الموضوع بجد و كأن الكلام ده ممكن يبقى فعلا "دليل حياتك فى 2010 : ما لا تعرفه من عقبات و أفراح" قمت أنا واخد رد فعل ايجابى جدا بأن انا دخلت اكتب الكلام ده من حرقة الدم.

طبعا يا جماعة انتم عارفين ان الكلام مش بفلوس و أن أى حد يقدر يقول اى كلام و خلاص. طيب أنا ايه دليلى ان حوار التنجيم ده كلام فاضى؟ سؤال كويس. دليلى ان أنا حاتنبئلكم باللى هيحصل لكل برج السنة الجاية:

برج الجدى: خللى بالك لان (زيوس) كان متراهن مع (عطارد) انه هيعرف يتصاحب على (عفاف) من غير ما مدام (هيرا) تعرف و فعلا كسب الرهان و بالتالى (عطارد) مش طايق نفسه و عفاريت الدنيا بتتنطط قدام عينه و لو انت لسة شاب صغير ماتجوزش هتلاقيه واقفلك عند باب أى شغلانة مقدم عليها علشان تفشل فى المقابلة و لو كنت متجوز و بتشتغل فوقفة مراتك على الباب و هى بتستعد لافتراسك كافية جدا . النصيحة: ارمى همومك فى البحر و اهرب من البوليس و لو مسكوك و سألوك انت قتلتها ليه؟ قول انها كانت بتتبع حركة "ارحمنا".


برج الدلو: تنتظرك مشاكل كثيرة مع السوائل المتنوعة و ثقب كبير ينغص عليك حياتك نتيجة لوجود ثقوب سوداء كثيرة فى الفضاء متاّمرة عليك. كما أنك معرض لتلوث الاسنان بشدة و لكن احترس من الماء و أنت تغسلها كما قلنا. النصيحة: اشترى دلو جديد ماركة "البدر و الشموسة".


برج الحوت: أنت مشاكس و تسبب المشاكل لمن يتبع برج الدلو و ان كنت لا تريد ذلك لكنك مجبر بسبب التحالف الجديد بين (بلوتو) و (بوسيدون). احترس لأن الانفلونزا الوبائية القادمة ستكون بأسمك. النصيحة: ابتعد عن الشبك و الشوايات ولا ترتدى بنطلونات جينز حتى ينتهى التحالف فى عام 5 ب.ح.م.ع.ك.ا (بعد حصول مصر على كأس العالم).


برج الحمل: أنت وديع (مش بتاع الأعلانات أنا قصدى الصفة) كما أنك مرهف الحس و رقيق المشاعر و مفعم بالأمل و العطاء و ممتلىء بالحب الذى يفيض على من حوله والخلاصة انك هتقدى سنة الناس اللى حواليك مخنوقين منك ده غير ان مراتك حتبقى شايفاك خايب و عبيط. النصيحة: اسمع أغانى Death Metal كتير و ان كنت مانصحش حتى اعدائى بكدة. ملاحظة جانبية: زيوس ساب (عفاف) بعد ما حملت فى (سفاح الاغريق).


برج الثور: العين الزايغة دى مالهاش لزمة و البقرة اللى راضية بيك دى مفيش أحسن منها و اهى صاينالك بيتك و عجولك. لكن عامة العين الزايغة دى ليها تبرير و هى انك بتتبع نفس برج (زيوس) أعظم womanizer عرفته البشرية. الاخبار الحلوة انك تنتظرك مكافئة فى المزرعة قبل عيد الاضحى على طول. النصيحة: اوعى تخرج من بيتك يوم الفالانتين و خد أجازة مرضية فى عيد الاضحى.


برج الجوزاء: فى حالتين:
- الاولى ان انت شخص منفرد و مستقل و متوحد و فردى و تكره العمل الجماعى و تكره أن يكون هناك اكثر من شخص واحد فى مجال ابصارك ولو كان عليك كنت لغيت كل الارقام اللى أعلى من 1 و الخلاصة ان علم الرياضيات اتقدم بسبب ان امثالك مبيتدخلوش فيه و غير كدة كان زماننا مش عارفين نعد سكان مصر.

- الحالة التانية هى انك تكون عكس الاولى تماما.
- النصيحة: روح معسكر كشافة فى الحالة الاولى و بطّل تروح معسكرات كشافة فى الحالة التانية.

ملاحظة جانبية: (هيرا) ألقت لعنة اغريقية قديمة اسمها (الضريبة العبقرية) على (سفاح الاغريق) حولته لموظف حكومى و بالتالى بقى اسمه الجديد (معدوم الدخل) أما (زيوس) فرجع لمشيه البطّال تانى.


برج السرطان: أنت بتتفق بشدة مع أى حد من برج الحوت بسبب البيئة الواحدة اللى بتجمعكم. نظرا للاتفاق الحادث بين المريخ و المشترى فأنت فى الغالب حتاخد علاوة كبيرة فى الشغل لكن خللى بالك برضه لأن بلوتو ممكن يتدخل فى أى لحظة و يطينها على دماغك. عامة ممكن تحاول تتفادى بلوتو من خلال حساب المثلثات و الجبر و الهندسة. النصيحة: البسطرمة مع القهوة هى خير صديق فى وقت الضيق.



برج الأسد: أنت شخص شجاع و مغوار و عندك القدرة انك تنط فوق كل بلاعات الدنيا علشان توصل لصندوق الزبالة بتاع عمارتك اللى لسبب مجهول محطوط فى شارع تانى. مدام (هيرا) بتشاركك فى البرج بتاعك و ده من ضمن أسباب غيرتك الشديدة على ناس ما تستحقش زى (زيوس) و مدام (هيرا) لو كانت عاقلة شوية كانت شافتلها واحد أحسن شوية و يا بخت اللى يتجوز (هيرا)؛ مال و جمال و أخلاق و كمان عندها قوى خارقة للطبيعة لدرجة انها ممكن تعرف تلاقيلك شغل فى مصر كمان. شوف العز! النصيحة: (زيوس) سابك علشان (عفاف) و دى مش أول مرة يعملها أرجوك فكرى كويس.


برج العذراء: ستنفتح افاق جديدة فى حياتك و لكن بسبب رغبتك فى الحرية فستسعى للانغلاق العاطفى الذى قد يصيبك بانفتاح فى المشاعر التى ستؤدى الى الاهتمام بتاريخ الحيوانات الأليفة و كل ما سبق ربما يتسبب فى حدوث اسهال شديد و ارتفاع فى درجة حرارة الغرفة. النصيحة: احرص على غسل شعرك قبل الأكل و بعده.


برج الميزان: بسبب عمل (أورانوس) كمطيباتى للمشاكل العائلية عند (زيوس) فأنت صداع دائم لبياعين الفاكهة و الخضار هذا بخلاف العداوة المستحكمة بينك و بين أى مجرم وقف فى المحكمة ليحاكم لذلك أنا أرجوك أن تجتهد فى عملك قليلا لعلنا نستطيع الحصول على 1 كيلو خيار عندما نريد شراء 1 كيلو خيار بدلا من أن نحصل على أى وزن يشرط أن يكون أقل من 1 كيلو. النصيحة: العدل أساس الملك يا ناس.


برج العقرب: أنت تابع سلالة المحاربين من أبناء زيوس علشان كدة تتميز بأنك شرس زى دبان الطريق الصحراوى، سريع زى السوبر جيت، عنيد زى الضرائب و لو ان دى مبالغة شوية، وقح زى أى عيل صايع و الخلاصة انك كنز لأى مصلح اجتماعى و سنتك حتبقى مليئة بالمفاجات المفجعة ليك و للحواليك. النصيحة: انا سمعت ان الموساد طالبين ناس لقسم التعذيب، هناك أنا متأكد انك حتلاقى نفسك.

برج القوس: عقبات كثيرة تنتظرك فى العمل من زملائك و مديرك. سيتهموك بالرشوة و الاختلاس و ستضطر للهرب من العدالة لفترة طويلة أنت و من تحبها أو سوف تحبها حتى تكتشف سر ما يحدث لك. فى النهاية ستكتشف أن زميلك و المدير هم اخوانك التوائم و أن من تحبها هى بنت أم مراتك و ستنتحر و سيجد جثتك أحد تجار الأغذية النزيهين و هو يبحث فى البلاعة. النصيحة: راجع شجرة العائلة.


شفتم بقى أد ايه الموضوع سهل و أن أى كلام أهبل أى حد يكتبه ممكن يتاخد على انه تنبؤات. أنا قايل الكلام ده و أنا عارف انه هبل لكن مع ذلك خايف الاقى واحد بيقوللى ان هو ده اللى حصلله بالظبط فى السنة الجديدة!!! لو أى حاجة من اللى انا قلتها حصلت فعلا يا ريت يئوللى علشان اتنبأ لنفسى بعربية جديدة و بفيلا و طيارة و شغلانة لعل و عسى تنبؤاتى تطلع صح فى دول كمان

Twilight for Dummies V1.0

This note is a special dedication from me to AbdulRAHMAN Khedr who deserves to die for relating me to this series.

*Character Description

Bella: "I'm a sensetive tortured human being who only wants to be loved by the vampire of my dreams but since he broke up with me I get dreams in which I'm lost -as always- and so I scream like I'm giving birth and I almost tear the blanket although it's just a dream.

Did I mention that when the -for-some-reason-girls-think-he-is-hot- vampire broke up with me I stayed for 3 months sitting on the same chair without rotting? BTW when they managed to remove the glue that attached me to the chair for 3 months, I became a werewolf's girlfriend and then I instantly dumped him when I knew that the vampire needed me or he will suicide. Seriously, I dumped him without second thought.
Did I mention I REALLY have a stupid look no matter what the situation is? Oh, and I'm the only face you will see for the whole playing time of "New Moon" (130 minutes..have fun with that). Any of the others can only get 10 seconds screen time or less."

Edward: "I'm...Edward. I'm...a..vampire. I'm....so...in..love...with...Bella..for some..reason. i'm...not...disabled....I just...talk like...this...because...I'm in...Love with..Bella. Truth is..I don't love...bella as much as I....wanna drink...her...blood.I mean...COME ON...who would love...someone who...smells...like her?...I remember...when I first...smelled her in science class...I wanted to throw up so bad...it hurted.

Actually if you...concentrate enough you'll see....that she is the one...who wants to stay...with me. She's even....willing to change...into a vampire... to stay with...me....forever. I can't...blame her though..I mean...What are...the chances that....she'll score another...guy who looks...like me. BTW... Bella's love made me...extremely weak...when you...watch New Moon...you'll see that...every vampire near...the end (of the movie/your life)...was able to kick my.....".

Jacob: "The only reason why I'm in this whole thing is to be Edward's competition which you can all see didn't work out very well....sniff...I can't believe Bella dumped me like this....sniff... I mean she didn't think for a single second before dumping me. It was clear from the beginning that I was put in the movie to be hated by Edward's fan girls. I appear on the screen and they are like "EEWWWW" when he appears they are like "WOOHOOO". Well anyway you'll have to execuse me for now. The alpha of my herd is calling".

Charlie: "I'm very important in the series. I'm the proof that Bella wasn't born in a demonic way and that she has parents. The only role I play is a stupid-conversations' starter with Bella. This is because the viewers may be bored of seeing Bella and Edward all the time. Of course, I'm talking about the male viewers because the female viewers never get bored of Edward. So, when any male is bored he can stop watching Edward and bella and instead watch my mustache. It's AWESOME. I also have an important role in the events. I took part in......never mind i don't have any role in anything".

The Cullens: "We're the SINGLE DAMN SLIGHTLY interesting thing in the toilet series. We promise the viewers a good story that never comes and great action that never occurs. Basically, we're there to give the viewer a false hope".

Bella's Friends: "...yes we're her friends....yes we're THAT desperate and hopeless of getting a life".

*TWILIGHT SUMMARY:
1) Bella met a vampire called Edward.
2) Despite his deep urge to vomit, Edward has managed to love Bella.
3) A bad vampire wants to bite Bella.
4) Bad vampire is dead.BTW his name is James.
5) Bella is fine and so is Edward but James' girlfriend wants revenge.

This took 122 minutes of your life in cinema.

*NEW MOON SUMMARY:
1) Bella is afraid she is getting old and she wants to become a vampire.
2) Edward broke up with Bella because he loves her so much!!!!
3) Bella got stuck in a chair for 3 months and she is having nightmares.
4) Bella became an adrenaline junkie (Adrenaline causes her to see Edwrad... Girls are you taking notes?)
5) Bella chose Jacob (a werewolf) as her rebound guy.
6) James' girlfriend appeared to remind you she's supposed to be there.
7) Edward thinks Bella is dead and is planning to kill himself.
8) Bella -INSTANTLY- dumps Jacob and rushes to save Edward.
9) Edward is saved and they're back together and he proposes to her.

P.S: You an tell that Jacob is a werewolf because he is shirtless.

THIS took 130 minutes of your life in cinema.

Interesting thing this Toilet series but you know what I'll probably watch the rest of its parts because it never ceases to amaze me. It teaches me that things will always get worse no matter what.

The Land of Shadows

Once upon a time, there was a world inhabited by two forms of life; the shadows and the strangers.

The strangers had a life full of beauty and prosperity. They were strong because they knew how to be independent and defend their rights, but their life was still far from perfect. The strangers were very uncaring towards one another. They've always searched for warmth but they couldn't find it. The shadows, on the other hand, had a life of poverty and illness but they retained small feelings towards one another. Their feelings towards one another weren't really enough to get through all their hardships but it made their lives slightly warm.

But the world wasn't always the same. The ancestors of the shadows were not like them at all. They had a different name; the enlightened. The enlightened were noble. The enlightened had everything. The enlightened were the wisest and the strongest species in this world. The enlightened were THE MAKER's chosen rulers for this world.

But time played its role in changing the tides of history and the enlightened forgot. They forgot their mission and their destiny. They forgot the reward THE MAKER prepared for them and they thought that what they had was the best possible thing and that there's nothing better waiting for them anywhere else. Thus, their fall began. Corruption ruined them and destroyed their civilization and in the end they became shadows.

THE MAKER punished the shadows for abandoning his teachings and changed their rulers into ghouls. These ghouls were –formerly- shadows but they were deformed by their glutton and fake pride. The ghouls' glutton drove them to eat everything the shadows had leaving nothing to the shadows but bones. Their fake pride drove them to enslave the shadows without second thoughts. "Mere shadows", they would say while raiding the homes of the shadows.

To ensure their rule, the ghouls planted despair into the shadows and kept them struggling for the most trivial of things so that shadows could never think about what truly mattered. They wanted the shadows to forget about enlightenment and just become what they are…mere shadows.

In the land of shadows, the shadows were held by despair from ever becoming enlightened. A fake despair implanted within their minds that tells them that the enlightened are history, a fake despair that told them that this history can't be repeated by them, a fake despair that hid the truth from them that being enlightened is a way of life not performing rituals.

Instead of aiming to improve their lives they chose to do the opposite.In the lands of both shadows and strangers, those below the age of 22 were treated differently. They were considered children with no rights or whatsoever. Once they reach the age of 22, they become "complete" shadows or strangers if we can say so. Children were not born to become strangers or shadows by their nature. In fact, they were ready to revive the enlightened path with proper guidance; however the society in both lands wouldn't allow it.The shadows cowered from facing the dangers that lay on the road to enlightenment.

However, what the ghouls did was not enough to kill every hope inside the children. For in every 100 years THE MAKER would send someone –maybe from the midst of shadows themselves- to remind the shadows of the enlightenment, and tell them that all hope is not lost yet, and that they can start anew if they repent. The Revivers–as those reminders were called- would tell the shadows that they can become enlightened just like their ancestors, and that the strangers don't have to be strangers, and that we can all return to be enlightened together as one clan. And although not much was known about the Revivers, whether they were supposed to be famous figures or maybe there was a reviver in every shadow's life, they had a clear effect on shadows' lives.

The ghouls didn't like this for it meant their fall, so the ghouls had to think more on how to end every hope within the shadows. The ghouls decided to control the shadows even more, so they chose certain shadows that showed loyalty to them and appointed them as leaders to every small or big gathering of shadows. Gatherings that had children in them were the most important for them to control. The ghouls –like all tyrants- knew that children were the most dangerous on their rule for the children were the most susceptible to talks about the enlightened. The children could become really devoted to the enlightenment cause and if that happens then the ghouls' rule would be over.

Everything remained like this for a long time until Mat appeared

To Be Continued

P.S :Hehehe I've always wanted to do this "to be continued" thing to someone :P My evilness has just increased :) . Seriously though, I didn't review this thing many times so you may find stupid grammatical errors in it.Tell me what you think anyway.

I love you people and I love your football matches

P.S: This note may seem offensive –especially for my first note- but I did it out of love for our countries and our people. Now back to the note:


Those who know me also know about my plans for world domination :P. I love you people.I really do. I mean, you make world domination sound like the easiest thing ever. If you want to conquer there's a problem that will always get in your way: (HUMAN INTELLIGENCE). Just thinking about human intelligence makes my blood boil because I know that it'll get in my way. Fortunately, the past few days showed me that no one –but a few- will get in my way.

When 22 guys run after a football just to get it into a net, this is fine. When there's a world tournament, a cup, money and fun involved this is also fine by me. But when you hunt one another because of this, THIS IS JACKPOT TO ME.

Let's think about the situation. There is a GAME –no matter what its name- in which there are PLAYERS. These PLAYERS PLAY to get GOALS (AKA points in other games). And the net result of these GOALS decides who the winner of the GAME is. The PLAYERS who won the GAME are the ones –most of the times- who PLAYED best.

Let's review the CAPITAL WORDS in the previous paragraph. They are: (GAME-PLAYERS-PLAYERS-PLAY-GOALS-GOALS-GAME-PLAYERS-GAME-PLAYED). Hmm, now I wonder what these words represent. Maybe they represent life? Maybe death? No no I think they represent biological NEEDS. Oh I know they-surely- represent freedom and independence!!! For those who aren't fast enough THAT WAS SARCASM !!
Do you want to know how stupid our countries look in the eyes of others? I'll tell you. Some of the people who are reading this have surely played –at least- one or two popular PC or PS1,2,3 games. Imagine that you won a race in "Need for speed: whatever". How do you think people will perceive you when they see you jumping like a monkey on cars of other people because you won a race???
Those who played "Max Payne", when the man lost his family in the beginning, Were you like: "WHY WHY DID HE LOSE HIS FAMILY??" while terrorizing innocent civilians around you by throwing Molotov bombs around ?? People, THIS IS HOW STUPID WE LOOK.

"JACKPOT" is what I say when I hear these shameful news. Because I know that only very few people will get in my way. Those who have the remnants of human intelligence are the main threat now. I will handle them but that's another story.

ملحوظة: من المبهر ان ترى اغانى حرب اكتوبر التى فى الاصل تتحدث عن – ركز معى- الحرب و الانتصار و النكسة و الشهداء و الابطال الذين ضحوا من اجل بلادهم ثم تراها تستعمل على مباراة كرة قدم بيننا و بين الجزائر. اتوقع –كما قلت لبعض اصدقائى- ان اسمع فتوى قريبا عن ان لاعب الكرة عندما يموت فانه لا يغسَل لانه شهيد كالذين ماتوا فى الحرب. و لا حول و لا قوة إلا بالله. اللهم لا تؤاخذنا بما فعل السفهاء منَا.